b u n n y y a p p i

自從買了白色車後，我不時有自行抹車的衝動。過往開銀色車，數年不洗也沒有問題，污垢並不易察覺得到。我往往可以等到極級骯髒（例如有一大片雀糞在玻璃上）才洗。決定買白色車時已知道「不耐髒」會是問題，但實在被珍珠白色吸引，從此放棄方便懶人的銀色。

今天晚上實在忍不住我laughing gor身上的污垢，花了超過半小時用濕布洗抹，以回復它的「神采」。抹著抹著，又再次想起到底選白色是選對了嗎？我認為是對的。

不論選什麼顏色，汽車開在路上必會蓬頭垢面，沾上各式灰塵及昆蟲屍體（以我此等每天在公路上飛馳兩小時的人尤甚）。即使車身顏色耐髒，實際上一樣骯髒。作為車主的我大可裝作不骯髒，照開可也，但每次開車門觸及門把或一不留神外衣擦著車門，污垢無所頓形。

這讓我想到，很多人覺得基督徒虛偽，一些小事都被看成罪，動輒便叫人認罪悔改。其實活在基督內，就像開一輛白色車一樣，缺點、陋習、劣根性一一變得顯眼。這是因為藉著天主，我們重見光明，以往看不見的現在通通都現形了。當然，若我們了解到自己的不是，便有責任去改善，將這些污垢盡力清除，這是以往不需要的。雖然是多了一重責任，但我也慶幸得以重見光明。

想到這裡，我抹車抹得更起勁，差點不想停下來。

今晚在駕車回家途中，我在想，同樣的一個我，若卸下了包袱，又會是怎樣的一個人？

我也不明白為何我的肩膀總是這麼沉重。也許我背上的不是真的包袱，只是在我的負面思想中，它們就像驅不散的烏雲，總在我的上空徘徊。

這也解釋了為我總是"豁不出去"，有這麼多東西在我身上，何以瀟灑得起？

Today's gospel talks about the "5 loaves 2 fish" (John 6:1-15) miracle again. For some reason, everytime I read about that, I'd get some new insights out of it.

The lesson this time is that, in order for Jesus to multiply, we must overcome our sense of inadequacy and give out the tiny bits that we are able to offer. Being generous is more than just the willingness to give, it also means having faith in Jesus, that He can turn our tiny offerings into something we could never have imagined. And that only by giving freely, we can receive in abundance. If I keep wondering why He doesn't give me certain things (thus putting the focus on myself and forget the needs of others), I'd never receive from Jesus.

Another insight is from St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians (Eph 4:1-6). St. Paul urged in his letters over and over again, asking us to "live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace". When we read the Bible, it's too easy to just read the passage, thinking about it for a few minutes, and put it on the back of our minds. This is precisely what Jesus talks about in His parable of the sower (Mt 13:18-23). Basically I have been hearing the word and forget/ignore/not understand it. When it comes to living out the virtues as mentioned by St. Paul, I have failed miserably.

Lord, please help me, for I don't know how to help myself.

數天前在明周看到一篇漫畫，作者說大部份人生來都是悶人，但大部份人都不喜歡跟悶人交朋友，於是大家唯有扮有趣（用上漫畫來表達，就是各人頭上都戴上了bunny頭箍）。我覺得她說得實在太對。

是人年紀大了，開始對種種事物都生厭，還是真的天生犯賤，連空閒時間都只會想還有幾多項目在todo list未辦妥？

連自己也開始忍受不了自己的悶。